The Angry White Guy

This is a rather long post for me, but I think it’s worth reading.

“Confessions of a TARP wife” was originally printed in Condé Nast by Anonymous and I don’t think you can copyright “Anonymous” authors works. So I’m posting it in it’s entirety with my added comments in [bracketed BOLD] Now since this is “Anonymous” the odds of this letter being real are fairly slim (Update before posting it is real and the link and updates are at the bottom of the post) and in fact it’s likely a spoof and if it’s not Condé Nast needs to pony up a name to keep any credibility, not that they have any since they’re nearly bankrupt. I read this a couple of weeks ago and I’m just now getting around to posting it.

So what you’ll have is the confessions of a uppity-ass-norther-urban-snobbimbo with the comments of a down-to-earth-rural-southern-country boy.

Forget the opera [consider it forgotten]. Cancel dinner at Bouley [I don't even know what or where that is]. How life has changed since my CEO husband went on the government dole.[Sold you soul for corporate welfare, poor baby]

I am a TARP wife. [I am not]

In keeping with the unwritten code of this new sisterhood, I have taken a vow of financial abstinence.[I have too, but I call it the brotherhood of tax payers] I returned the presents my husband gave me for Christmas (but didn’t tell him, since he’s already awash in gloom) and am using my credit balances at all the major department stores for important gifts and other necessities.[Well bless your heart I'm betting that "major department store" isn't Wal-Mart. If you can return gifts and your spouse doesn't know... you have to much.]

I haven’t even looked at spring clothes;[Gasp...NO!] God forbid someone catches me out in something new.[Yes,God forbid. To think you've been force to wear '08 shoes in '09... the humiliation must be unbearable.] Keeping up with fashion seems somehow decadent in this new era,[Really! I think I'll be forced to wear last years jeans and denim shirts this year... I hope no one points and laughs my tender psyche might not handle it.] like getting Botox injections [Face it you're old, deal with it save that botox money for a boob job.] or catered dinners[There is always carry out and drive thru.]. Like so many others, I’m shopping in my closet.[What wear something more than twice! How cruel.] I’ve bought exactly two things this year—makeup and panty hose.[I can say I've bought neither, yeah for me.] If I buy a present for someone, I have the package sent to their home.[Do you have my correct address? Because I never received my lavish gifts.] I don’t want to be spotted climbing into a taxi, laden with Bergdorf Goodman shopping bags.[Didn't he play Radar on M*A*S*H? You know what, just get me a Tractor Supply gift card I buy my clothes there.]

As you can see, being a TARP wife means, in short, making decisions according to a complex algorithm:[I bet that requires a calculator at the least, perhaps it even require a android servant Data, however being a country boy means living within your means.] balancing the need to look like your world hasn’t crumbled beneath you—let’s not alarm the investors![Really I mean heaven forbid someone she you in some '08 Proenza Schouler release, that is like, OMG so last year.]—with the need to appear duly repentant for your subprime sins.[And you should snot nose.] It also means we’re part of the community of more than 400 companies that have received government bailout funds,[So it's a big club of stupid and greed, don't you feel special now?] whose fall from grace has been swifter and harsher than any since Mao frog-marched intellectuals into China’s countryside.["Mao frog-marched intellectuals" kudos for that visual.]

Hitting the perfect note isn’t always easy.[We're 'forgetting the Opera', remember? Don't sweat the notes.] For instance, for the past 15 years or so, I have thrown my husband a birthday party.[So, I'm willing to bet everyone has a birthday at least once a year.] We traditionally celebrate with about 30 friends, mostly New York pals we’ve known for decades.[...and we care why?] We’re not talking an end-of-an-era Stephen Schwarzman-type $10 million blowout. Ours is a pretty sedate affair. [That's what happens when you're all on valium and prozac prescription shopper.]

This year, of course, entertaining our crowd at our usual multi-star Michelin hotspots would simply not do.[How about Bridgestone they make good tires too.] Extravagant is out; conservative is in.[You know what I say... liberal is out, conservative is in, but that's just me.] But not hosting a birthday dinner would have spurred rumors that we were broke, not a welcome thought either.[I think you think people really care about you more than they do, I doubt I would have noticed.] Juggling these conflicting impulses, I decided on a slimmed-down party.[Good, it might slim down your snobby ass attitude too... a long with your fat ass.] Choosing Versailles to host World War I peace negotiations could not have been more complicated than my attempt to select the perfect spot for our annual dinner.[You've got to be kidding me! You're comparing the Treaty of Versailles to find a dinner spot? Good Lord!] Naturally, every restaurant I contacted was willing to meet my reduced budget;[Naturally, a small sale is better than no sale.] now that Wall Street firms are no longer entertaining clients or hosting events, New York eateries are struggling. [I guess you missed those lines at KFC with the Oprah coupons didn't you? Then again any moron who would wait in line for 6 hours to get a $4.00 box of chicken is well, a moron.]

At the end of the day,[the sun sets and your point is?] it came down to a choice between an especially accommodating (and well-known) high-end restaurant and a less expensive, clubbier spot.[You could have killed two birds with one stone and just gone to Chucky Cheese were they serve plastic pizza and give out cheap Made in China toys.] We ultimately picked the cozier restaurant—even though it ended up costing us more, so eager was the more chic outfit to host the party.[Do you have any idea what a arrogant snob you are, just sayin'] Why spend the extra bucks? [Because it's the taxpayers money and not yours and we know you'll never pay it back so you think screw it, spend it... it's not mine.] Because our chosen place is distinctly low-profile and rarely mentioned in the press.[I haven't seen Chucky Cheese in the gossip pages lately.] We did not need a snarky story about a “Wall Street bigwig living it up while taxpayers wonder where their money went.” Really, not even President Obama spends this much time looking after his image. [Looks like you just dimed yourself out, so not only are you a arrogant snob, you're a stupid one too.]

It wasn’t long ago that America celebrated successful companies and the people who run them.[I do not recall any nationwide "successful company" celebrations or let's praise the banks parades.] My husband, CEO of one of the biggest TARP recipients, has received more than his share of accolades (in my opinion, well deserved).[No one asked your opinion so shut up and set down.] But because of a few tin-eared nitwits who failed to notice that their industry was under siege, the entire country now thinks that TARP bankers are greedy incompetents dedicated to ripping off taxpayers.[We think their clueless trophy wives are that way too, FYI.] Fancy wastebaskets, under-the-rug bonuses, lavish junkets—these are Exhibits A, B, and C in the people’s case against Wall Street. Even the Octomom gets better press. [Well seems to me if you don't want to get raked over the coals for lavish junkets then don't go on any lavish junkets at the tax payers dime. Make sense?]

Here is the reality:[I don't think you have a clue as to what reality is.] TARP managers are scared to death. The executives of these companies are desperately trying to hold their businesses together while complying with a slew of damaging bills flooding out of Congress. [You make a deal with the devil expect to get burned genius.] My husband has battled the shutdown of the credit markets and a deteriorating business environment for two endless years without respite.[Boo Hoo he had to work.] He’s exhausted, terrified of losing the company, and beaten down by the constant criticism hurled at him.[If you can stand the heat get out of the kitchen, besides he's a husband he should be use to criticism.]

I’m trying to buck him up and not complicate his life.[I'm sure this whiny ass letter is a grand help.] The last thing he needs is unpleasant publicity, so I’m learning to fly so far below the radar that I have perpetually skinned knees.[Somehow I doubt that, somehow I think you're an overindulgent attention magnet that doesn't have a clue to the meaning of the word 'modest'.] We’ve picked up new habits,[and kept many old one like bitching, complaining and being fundamentally clueless.] like making donations anonymously and sneaking in late to black-tie galas after society photographer Patrick McMullan [See that's elitist name dropping of a celebrity photographer and I doubt he know who you are, so stop stroking your ego drama queen.] has packed up his camera and gone home.[But if he does see you and know whom you are, we certainly wouldn't want the world to see you out on last years fashion now would we? Why that would be just tragic and a elitist faux pas.] We now regularly turn down the invitations we receive from museums and arts organizations that will inevitably be followed by a request for funds.[Is that why you didn't attend or RSVP the grand opening of my storage barn... bitch.] No point in getting their hopes up.[No point in getting yours up either that you'll ever recieve another invite from me.]
I get it that I may not win much sympathy.[That's the first thing you've said that I agree with.] Why should I? [You shouldn't, so stop whining.] I’m not pleading poverty.[No, but you're whining like a spoiled little Malibu Barbi bitch that just lost Ken and the dream house.] We still live in relative luxury,[Charles, fetch me another tissue, so I can pretend to care.] we can afford almost everything we need,[Except a personality, that's still out of your price range.] and we aren’t facing the prospect of losing our home or having to turn to our families to support us. But we are getting squeezed.[Try riding the subway in Tokyo if you want to know what getting squeezed is like or trying being a single mom working 2 jobs to support 3 kids and keep the bills paid.]

Like most Americans, we are worried about money. [No you're worried about image and yourself.] Our net worth is tied up in stock that is down 95 percent.[And you fill like the Lone Ranger, welcome to the club of the 401K holders.] Last year, before it became fashionable to do so, my husband refused a bonus.[Easy to say, harder to prove and from the sounds of you I'd say he couldn't afford to turn down a bonus.] Because of the new restrictions, his pay this year will be a fraction of what it was.[Just like most Americans except those working in the government, and I bet you voted for 'The One' because it was "fashionable"... well you get what you vote for.] The combined swoon in our income ["Swoon in our income" what freaking thesaurus are you using to write this?] has caused us to cut spending drastically,[Welcome to the real world Neo, next time take the blue pill. ] in hopes that we can hang on to some remnant of our former lifestyle.[Sounds to me like you need to abandon the bubble and wake up in realityville, so here try the red pill.]

In an effort to conserve cash, we are eating out less frequently[Oh poor baby], meaning that I’ve been turning out some pretty dreadful lasagna.[Stick with something less challenging like PB&J or Hamburger Helper.] Actually, staying home and watching Law & Order reruns has become our new guilty pleasure.[From what I here you should be watch the Food Network and learning some basic cooking skills. Lasagna is not rocket science.] It’s a far cry from opening night at the Metropolitan Opera, but it’s not bad.[Neither hold a candle to opening night at the Monster Truck Pull and Miss Southern Wet T Shirt Rally and you can bet your Manolo Blahnik's shoes on that.] I drive the family crazy by switching off the lights every time we leave a room.[Oh, I think you've been in the dark with the lights on. See in the real world we call that common sense, seems your family lacks it.] Needless to say, we fly commercial.[Someone quick get me some water I feel faint, to think you having to mingle with the working class, oh how far we have fallen.] Using the company plane is now out of bounds;[Since you don't work for the company you shouldn't use it.] we’ve heard there are reporters staking out the private airports.[Could you not board the plane in the hanger with out others seeing it, that's what we poor people do when we board our private planes.]

I have become oddly superstitious.[I think a better sentence would be, "I'm odd".] On some level, I feel I’m being punished for too many thoughtless years of assuming that the trappings of success were earned and not given.[So how did you earn your success by being married to a rich guy? Please do tell me trophy wife.] I’m constantly knocking on wood or offering little good-citizen sacrifices, like manically recycling or chatting with telemarketers.[Chatting with telemarketer is sacrifice? No, that's just stupid... wait please don't tell me you had to cancel your caller ID? Say it isn't so!]

I’m struggling with how to communicate all this to our children.[Did you try words? I do find words work best when trying to communicate something.] We’re thankful that they’re intent on making their own way in the world, but at the same time, they confidently rely on us for help.[Do you not realize what the conflict that statement is? You're children our going to make it on their OWN in the world with your HELP... that's priceless.] One daughter recently mused about going back to business school. [Well why not just a be a muse, we all could use one of those.] I hope she didn’t notice my instantly negative reaction, stemming completely from concern about the cost.[Damn bitch it's her schooling have her pay for it... good Lord I've been on my own since I was 17.] I cannot bring myself to shake her foundation.[Maybe she could make some money for school if she got out there and 'shaked' her ass. Strippers make good money you know.] The collapse of the world economy has already crushed the confidence of young people just starting out.[Well they need to thank the Democrat and their policies they voted for, next time vote capitalism and not socialism.] Meanwhile, retirement is like a rainbow, a beautiful mirage that we’ll probably never reach.[Well thank your Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious. Now you know how the rest of us feel, perhaps you could practice saying "Hi, welcome to Wal-Mart... do you need a buggy?"] To some people, these may seem like luxury problems, but to us they are painful.[I think I feel a tear welling up.... no, no it was just a eyelash. I'll tell you what's painful is listening to your drone on and on and on... not that's painful.]

I’ve watched the skin under my husband’s eyes take on a yellowish hue,[Could be hepatitis, might want to get that looked it.] and his hair turn from gray to grayer,[Has he tried "Just 5 Minutes for Men"?] as he tries to lead his company through this mess.[From what I read he failed, deal with it.] He’s up every night for hours at a stretch, and for the first time, he has health issues.[That would be the hepatitis, have it checked out.] For a person whose life has been punctuated mainly by success—from perennial class president and high-school sports star to Ivy League MBA—failure is the worst of all nightmares.[Here is a dose of reality... One who has never failed, has never tried. Maybe you and hubby need to pull that silver spoon out of your ass and try digging a ditch.] He seems off balance,[Inner ear infection too perhaps?] as though self-confidence were a physical ballast that he is slowly losing.[Then I would stay out of the water.] It’s heartbreaking how often he apologizes to me for losing so much of our money,[As well he should, have you any idea how much we've all lost thanks to people like your husband? No your to worried about you.] for making so many mistakes.[His first mistake was going into the banking business and being a greedy Gus. His second mistake was marrying you.]

I know people are angry—angry at those they view as responsible for the subprime crisis and the subsequent economic meltdown.[You think... aren't Captain Obvious.] I don’t blame them.[You can't it's partly your fault Mrs Opera going-Caterer user-fine Dining-Shopaholic.] I’m angry too. [I don't know why you're extravagant life style likely forced your husband to make risky loans to keep you in diamonds, fur and botox.] But my fury extends to any number of culprits:[One of them is in the mirror I'd look there first.] to Alan Greenspan, who encouraged the loose-money policies that undermined the pricing of risk;[The government loosing money and this is surprising?] to Barney Frank, who cudgeled Fannie Mae into supporting loans to unfit homebuyers;[We Republicans tried to warn you, but no would listen... no. Again thank the Democrats for that.] to the rating agencies that were ethically compromised; [Ethics, now there is some nostalgia.] to the subprime-mortgage brokers who chased fees and ignored any accountability;[Accountability, again with the nostalgia.] to the investors who didn’t do their homework and absurdly leveraged up their balance sheets.[Well if you don't do your homework, you fail.] I’m an equal-opportunity blamer.[Really and were in there did you blame yourself in this whinathon?]

And yes, I blame those who were in charge of the big banks—including my husband—for not seeing the default tsunami coming.[Then he was blind because those of us in what I like to call the real world, saw it! I saw that there was no way a 1500 sq ft, 1960's ranch house on a city lot in California was worth $1.2 million, I saw that people with no job and no credit shouldn't buy a house nor given a laon... only in idiot would have believe that or given a loan to the un-credit worthy, yet I saw them all the time and I said this is a bubble and it's going to burst and all hell is going to break loose... you know you might want to spend a little less time at the Opera or black-tie affairs and little more time listening to those of us on the ground and see the train coming.] But almost no one did.[Bullshit, I know tons of people in the building industry that saw it. But no one would listen to some dumbass builders would they. Have you noticed that middle-America wasn't hit hard with this "crisis"? You know why? We have common sense and saw the writing on the wall.] Everyone knows this,[That's a big assumption.] yet financial CEOs have replaced the Mob as the most despised group in the country.[Wrong, granted their high on the list but I think Congress and the Government at large is higher.]

The good news is that Americans have short attention spans.[Speak for yourself goldfish.] Before long, some other group will come along to absorb all the frustration and anger.[Doubt it.]

Meanwhile, I’m off to the tailors to get some clothes altered.[I know I heard Jennie Craig called you.] Shopping your closet is great unless you’ve put on a few pounds over the years.[Don't worry Jennie will call back she has your tubby-tubby 2 by 4 butt on speed dial.] I’ve been holding out hope that fewer nights out could shrink me to fit back into some of the past warhorses of my wardrobe.[Why would you want to wear a horse? What would PETA say? Have you no shame, women?] Unfortunately, our appetite for comfort food has risen in proportion to the Dow’s decline;[Then you must be pushing what 300-400 pounds?] the selloff this past month has upped our mac-and-cheese intake and created a sinecure for my seamstress.[Why would that create a sinecure? Do you even know the meaning the of the word ? After you talk to Jennie, give Webster a call, moron.]

Katie Peek, Hilary Peek and Liz Peek

As I said at the start, I doubt the validity of this letter it’s likely a spoof… but if it is real and you know who wrote please do me a favor and walk up to them, bitch-slap them across the face and say that’s from America.

Said in my best valley girl voice … OH-MAH-GAHD!  It is real and look it’s Liz Peek and here I thought that no one and I mean no one could be so clueless as to the event of the real world… I would really like to meet Mrs Peek and let her walk a few miles in the day of a working American that she is so clearly out of touch with. I bet I could get a job car-hopping at Sonic (You know it is America’s Drive In.)
Unmasking Portfolio’s Anonymous TARP Wife

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