Last night Hannity was coming on and I said ‘I can’t deal with Whannity tonight’ so I starting surfing and one of the things I noticed was there is a lot of damn reality shows… I mean A LOT! A whole lot! I couldn’t believe the number of them and just how incredibly stupid some of them are – did you know there is a reality show about putting parking boots on cars called Parking Wars! You got to be shitting me – a show about putting parking boots on cars, just how low can you go in scraping the bottom of the creative idea barrel?
Frankly, I get enough reality in my own reality everyday that I don’t need to vicariously live someone else’s reality on TV. If you watch reality shows, that’s your business, whatever and more power to you – I don’t care. I just don’t get their popularity – is it that people want to watch just how screwed up everyone else’s life is so that their life feels a little less dysfunctional? A little less weird and tumultuous? Is that it? If not what is it? If you want to watch a reality show just go to the freaking mall or better yet Wal-Mart, you can get all the reality you want there and it’s on 24/7/365.
So anyway there are so many reality shows on TV that they have a web site for just reality shows and it doesn’t even come close to listing them all – and I’m sure there is a reality show in the works about making reality shows. I will admit that I on occasion watch Pawn Stars and American Pickers mainly because I like antiques and collectible junk of which I have plenty of and need to sell, I really don’t care about the people on the show and yet some of the people on the show have spun off to get their own show. Case in point the restoration guy (Rick whatshisname) has a show called American Restorations (No website yet) – but while there are a couple of shows that are mildly entertaining in small doses do we really need shows like The Littlest Groom? Amish in the City? Or anyone of a plethora of other asinine shows?
But just a quick look around turns up shows like (and you might like them) -
Ice Road Truckers – which is about you guessed truckers driving on ice roads across frozen lakes and it’s in it’s FORTH SEASON!! WTF!!
Deadliest Catch – about what? Catching crab in Alaska (I’ll admit I watched this one sometimes, but after a few shows it was I get it they’re catching crabs and arguing all the time – it’s American Chopper on a boat – next please.)
L.A. Ink – Whiners, bitchers and drama queens working in a tattoo shop and arguing all the time.
American Chopper – Year after year of Paul Sr and Jr arguing about stupid shit that really doesn’t matter.
19 and Growing – A women popping out puppies for fun and ratings. (Did she not watch Eight is Enough as a child?) How about 19 is too damn many?
Jon & Kate Plus 8 – A couple with 8 kids, that argue and get a divorce and 10.6 million people watch this crap, and IT IS crap.
Little People, Big World – The life and drama of midgets in a normal size world. (You can’t say “midget” that’s offensive, they are “little people” – whatever oompa-loompa.) Admittedly watching midgets on their tippy-toes to make a sandwich with their little stubby fingers is comical – anyone remember Terror of Tiny Town?
Who’s Your Daddy? – Women who were adopted as a child try to win $100,000 by picking out their biological father.
The Will – An Arizona millionaire’s potential greedy heirs competed for his estate after he takes a dirt nap.
Temptation Island – Couples were sent to a tropical island where the men were separated from the women. Sexy tempters and temptresses were thrown into the mix to see if the separated couples would be enticed to cheat on their mates. A better name would be Divorce Island.
Jersey Shore – A look at the vapid lives of several pathetic New Jersey 20-something losers and their friends and/or screw-buddies.
Hammertime – One of a dozen or so washed-up has-been celebrity shows. (Coming soon The Hasselhoffs)
Re-inventing Bonaduce – Another stupid “They’re a celebrity?” show and this one follows the “reinvention” of Gretchen Bonaduce, the ex of I-guess-he’s-a-celebrity Danny Bonaduce.
Househusbands of Hollywood- Rich women have stay-at-home-husbands and apparently we want to watch their lives play out.
Housewives of [insert city name] – What are there a dozen of these in various cities? So let’s watch the lives of housewives as they clean, shop, screw and get catty with one another. Let the drama begin.
Paradise Hotel - A bunch of single people are put into a hotel together and somehow this is entertaining.
Keeping Up with the Kardashians – Let’s watch a bunch of why-are-they-a-celebrity party girl sluts spend their dead Daddy’s money. Sadly this show has produced two spin off shows – Kourtney and Khloé Take Miami and Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Why?
The Biggest Loser – Fat people on a go on a diet and for some reason it needs to be on TV.
And the list goes on and on and on and I had no idea there were so many until I started researching this post - I when to a Wiki page and there are 100′s of them from Wife Swap to What Not to Wear… who made these two assholes the be all and end all of fashion? If you like it and you’re comfortable then wear it! Make a %$^ing reality show out of that! Then there is shows like Hoarders about people that really need to learn how to throw shit away and Freaky Eaters a show about people with weird food additions. Is there anything that they will not make a show about?
The real deal is Hollywierd is a lot like the Democrats and Obama – completely devoid of fresh ideas and desperate for positive ratings. They keep throwing everything at you including the Hell’s Kitchen sink. And it’s not just regular TV that is out of ideas, even new release movies are nothing but regurgitation of the same crap that as been made before – occasionally something new and different comes out but the majority of stuff is just some plot remade with a few snazzy new special effects. Doubt it – let’s look at what’s out right now… (I have not looked yet at the new movies currently released, I’m just that damn sure I can blindly pick a couple of new movies and it’s just a regurgitation of something already made.)
So let’s look at what’s in theaters right now …. (Three randomly and blindly picked movies I’ve never heard of.)
Unstoppable – “With an unmanned, half-mile-long freight train barreling toward a city, a veteran engineer and a young conductor race against the clock to prevent a catastrophe.” Gee sounds like “Runaway Train” (1985) or “Silver Streak” (1976) without the comedy.
Due Date – “High-strung father-to-be Peter Highman is forced to hitch a ride with aspiring actor Ethan Tremblay on a road trip in order to make it to his child’s birth on time.” Man a movie about getting someplace by a given time to avoid calamity – that’s not a new idea.
Skyline – “Strange lights descend on the city of Los Angeles, drawing people outside like moths to a flame where an extraterrestrial force threatens to swallow the entire human population off the face of the Earth” Ooooh! Aliens invade Earth with the plan to destroy all of humanity how innovative, how cutting edge – never seen that before if you exclude the 5000 films already made about it.
So in my meager effort to help Hollywierd get out of a rut, I have a brand new formula for idea desert that entertainment find’s itself in – take two of the movies and four of the Reality Shows – put them in a blender, hit mix and then pour them out and you have yourself a plot. We’ll take the movies Unstoppable and Skyline then add the reality shows Biggest Loser, What not to Wear, American Chopper and Little People, Big World and see what we get…
A runaway driverless spaceship barreling towards Earth full of poorly dressed dieting midgets that endlessly argue about implementation of the plan to vaporize every person ever involved with a reality show.
We’ll call it - Irritable Weight Watching Munchkin from the K-Mart Galaxy
You know – I’d pay to see that.